Fear

 

I had never thought I will end up this way, broken, and incomplete.  

Now, I live in constant fear, fear of not being appreciate. Without people beside me, I cry and cry and cry. Looking over the sea, i cry. I ask, why me? Why me?

Going into details, I hate the world. I hate their selfishness. I hate my sincerity, my genuinety to be replied by betrayal. I hate the stupidity in human, I hate all I can hate. Do not lose trust in humanity, he said. But because of him, I lose trust of myself.

It would be much easier if i did something wrong, then he cheat on me. It would be much easier, if I had cheated on him and be replied with him cheating on me. At least, we are in a fair deal. 

But no, I did not do anything wrong, I did not cheat on him.

I hold myself together, and promise myself that I will get over it. But when I am alone, I am scared. I am scared, so scared. The thoughts creep into my mind, like smoke. Slowly, and without notice.

The next thing I realize, tears are dropping. Down my face, onto my hand, like how i fell. Then I know, I will never be the same again. I will never, ever let that happen to me again.

Unable to hate, unable to hold grieve. I chose the path of forgiveness, and this is the easiest of all yet the hardest of the three. I forgive. I will forgive. I cheat to my mind that I can forgive, I want to forgive. He doesn’t deserve me to be this broken because of him, he doesn’t deserve to see me shatter.

Confronting my fear, confronting my principle. Are my principle right? I believed in doing the good to be treated with good. I believed in karma. Once again, what wrong I did that put me through this? Am I not attractive? No. Am I not flexible? No. Am I not a proper woman? No. I am not perfect, but is my imperfection the reasons for this?

He says, there is no reason. It is not my fault. If its not, who and what shall I fix? I am left with no choice, other than fix it, but what? Do I love him? Not anymore, not anymore. It all ended that night, my feelings, my passion, my trust for humans.

 
With these, I realized I am alone. Regardless, in the end, I am by myself. With that in mind, I shall love myself and be comfortable with myself, I need to be fine alone. After all faith I had to him, this is what I get, I need to learn to be alone. After him telling me I am not alone, I am still alone. All alone. So alone.