its hell almost two in the morning and i have to wake up early morning tomorrow but i am still awake. there are lots of reason for this. The main of all, is because i had just finished reading My Sister's Keeper. it is an awesome book i will say. My heart is still pumping at a rate which we define as nervous. but all i feel, is grateful. The book is good. I've never read a book which will give me an impact which is this big, that made me spent my whole Sunday, doing nothing more but reading it, holding it till my finger and hand went numb and even my muscle aching right now, but this book, it is that thrilling till i did not let go of it till now and i am still talking about it. The book, described a lot. A brave kid, which i hope i could be just half a quarter as brave. It really touches the deep bottom of my heart which made me wrote all this.
three birthdays in a row and this three person matters a lot to me, either in good or bad way. and i did not manage to do them a thing, to ease them. Which, kept me feeling bad.
Sometimes, i feel like shouting out loud that my life ain't that free and ain't that happy as it looks. all just because, i think I've got everything in which in return i shouldn't make even a tiny mistake, not even increasing my volume while talking. I shouldn't be sad and i should not even want for more than what I've got right now. what else to ask for when you have the greatest parent that listen, the great siblings, and even the greatest friend and hell i even got myself a boyfriend. there's nothing i don't have but i do. do you get me? I've got the best thing in this world but i never know why i get them. Basically, i am emotionless. that is basically. i smoke, but that hurts everyone around me so i quit. i don't have the right to. when you ask why i smoke, the answer is the damn shit answer of all, because i am living a too perfect life. deep inside me, i hope, i can live with a reason to go wild, to not be a good daughter, because all this, is burdening me, as i grow. i am tired of being emotionless to keep the house peace, to not quarrel with anyone for what i am thinking, to not speak for myself to keep everyone in best interest. no one ever listened to me because i never disclose myself. how the hell on earth that i am gonna rant about how this perfect life had made me or kept me feeling lonely? because they are too good. who ever did or will, will understand that.
again, do ignore me. sorry. am sorry for everything. i do.
that's how i felt like running away. i've got everything that seems to perfect to others. i was finding a reason to be wild. and i realized no reason could fit in. NO ONE. at the end, i'll still have to go back and carry on my responsibility. THAT'S BURDENING. REALLY. i'm still in redang. but then from the day before yesterday's sleep, i've already started worrying. dreams came back to find me.
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