After

24 days passed since I last wrote here. Things were not better after that. Those that follow, revealed, is still pulling me down deeper into the sea. I can't breath anymore.

I did not cry myself to sleep like I did in past experience. I don't cry. I shed tears.  Now I understand what is meant by stubborn. I am stubborn, for not letting go and admit that the past two years were a mistake. Its two years already, all my effort, were a mistake.

I do not want to mention his name. The joys were so little. So little for a period of two years.

If asked how I feel, I have no word to describe it. It feels sore. Not quite right, pain, not quite right either.

I lost my identity. I don't know who I am anymore. I have no principles, I broke them all myself. I gave in completely to this one person that I thought is my love of life, and the truth is, it did not exist. The love, was a lie. It was a lie. A prank that I voluntarily be involved in. I don't remember any good memories we had for the past months. Nothing was there. It is so empty. My soul, is so empty.

I want to tell the world, everyone who are still living a life on lies, that it is not right. It is wrong, so wrong that it hurts, and ruins the others life. Why is there no legislation on this, I wonder. The pain is so much I want him to pay for it, for life. I want him to taste the pain himself and then tell me it hurts which by then I will tell him it hurts as much for me. Everything that he did, hurt me so  much, that I living without soul now. I want to ruin his life, break them into pieces for all that he did to me.

It was all because I still hope for him to care, to care enough that he will feel my pain. Silliness.

The pain left me broken.